The gaming community has grown exponentially over the years, especially with the sudden spotlight on geek culture with popular TV shows like The Big Bang Theory and the myriad of comic book films hitting the big screen. The awesome part of all this is that more people are taking a jump down the rabbit hole of gaming, comics and overall nerdiness. With this new surge of fresh blood in the gaming community I’ve deemed the term “Gamer” no longer specific enough to describe such a large dynamic group. So I’ve taken it upon myself to classify our hierarchy into six distinct categories. So I’ll start with the loneliest of gamer.
6.) The Console Gamer AKA “The Douchebag”: Let me be clear, I really like playing console games. In fact the majority of gamers play some type of console gaming. The Douchebags I’m referring to are those who ONLY like playing video games. That means their entire life revolves around when the next Grand Theft Auto or First Person Shooter is being released. They see themselves as the jocks of the gaming community and strut around EA Conventions with their gelled Metro-sexual haircuts, trying to look super cool. They spend most of their time bitching about the lack of women (or should I say lack of half-naked women) in the gaming community. To rest of the gaming world these people just a bunch of Douchebags who’ve sadly only hit the tip of the gaming iceberg. If you think I’m being harsh or making things up, you should go play a game of HALO on XBox live and then listen in horror to the unmuted obscenities being spewed out of your TV. Seriously, your soul will never be the same again. As much as I like to complain about “The Douchebag Gamer” I do have to say that Console Gaming is the gateway drug for some serious gamers out there. It’s where you get your first taste of virtual cookies and over time you can’t help searching for a more potent digital reward.
5.) The PC Gamer, AKA “The Pusher”: There are two things you have to remember about The Pusher. The first is that you should never bring up an MMORPG in any conversation, ever. If you show the slightest bit of interest you might as well take a seat and be prepared to spend the next five hours listening to how they got their first mount and then summoned their friend off a cliff. The second thing you have to remember is, whatever you do, DO NOT DRINK THE FUCKEN KOOLAID! They will be relentless in trying to recruit you and will insist you login, so they can introduce you to their fellow cult members, AKA Guildmates. They will offer you plenty of free things to get you started. Like in-game help and sometimes even free game play on their platform drug of choice. Try to keep in mind, although some of these stories might seem “fun” at first, these people are truly addicted and cannot help themselves. They must find others to login with them and share in their gaming high. Think back for a moment, is this the first time you’ve seen this person in the last five months? Are they checking their game status on their phone while their talking to you about their wacky MMORPG adventures? Did they even bother to bathe before they came out of their cave to talk to you? Eventually they’re going to crash and with a strong self-help program they will recover… with lots of time.
4.) The TCG Gamer, AKA “Pond Scum” The Trading Card gamer is the bottom of the barrel gamer whom all other gamers look down on and make fun of. Even I “forget” to mention my ‘Magic the Gathering’ addiction when socializing with other gamers around town. Why is there such a stigma? Well The Pond Scum gamer can seem overly cocky and relentless in their pursuit to win. I’ve even met some Pond Scummers who openly try to cheat – just to get ahead in their gaming ranks. On top of that this genre is not very friendly to the new gamers (especially woman) as comments at the gaming table can leave you feeling like the back side of a Bantha. However, most TCG games are not bad. In fact these types of games can be very fun, competitive and enjoyable. Although you didn’t hear this information from me! Once you actually earn a place within the Pond Scummy ranks things get much easier and your games can be quite enjoyable. Unlike The Douchebag and The Pusher they at least get out of the house and meet new people… in person.
3.) The Board Gamer, AKA “The Party Player” The Party Player is a freakin’ awesome gamer. They probably throw amazing parties and have tons of games for your entertainment. What you don’t realize is that The Party Player is in fact… a player. All they’re really looking for is the next gaming slut to fill their 3 player board game capacity. Which is awesome if you’re OK with a one night stand but it can be horrible if you’re looking for a committed gaming relationship. Sure, they’ll probably make all sorts of promises to you while you’re there playing with them. “Wow, I’d love to come to your Friday night DnD Game!”, “Sweet Dr. Who night?? I’m totally there!” but once your fairy-tail of a game night ends they’ll quickly scoot you out their house and only call you back when their looking for another gaming booty call. An you always come back… you gaming slut.
2.) The RPG Gamer, AKA “The Classic Nerd”: The Role Playing Gamer is The Classic Nerd everyone thinks of when you mention being a “gamer”. For the most part this is a pretty true statement but what most people don’t know is that the The Classic Nerd is the classiest gamer in the gaming community. In fact I’ve met very few Classic Nerds that weren’t intelligent and interesting. Once you get past the initial shock of being around a bunch of nerdy people. What makes these gamers so intelligent? They have to be extremely creative just to play their game. They have to have an abstract concept of math and problem solving and be highly persuasive and good at debates and acting. What you don’t know is that once you’ve been adopted into this gaming group you will never escape the Drama Llama. No matter what you do you simply cannot stop their superior political gaming skills from being applied within their own group. At this point you’ll be subjected to a real life version of Vampire the Masquerade. Will you choose to band together against The Pond Scum for RPG table space? Will the in-group bickering decimate your ranks?!
1.) The Grandma Gamer, AKA “The Spank Master Supreme” When I wrote this down I’m sure several of you snickered wondering why The Grandma Gamer was listed as The Spank Master Supreme on my gamer list. What you youngsters don’t realize is that Grandma’s been playing games longer than you’ve been alive. In fact she’s started playing games back in a time when the only thing you could do to entertain yourself was to grab two rocks and use your imagination. That’s right kiddies, if you want to be schooled in Scrabble take a little trip to Grandma’s house. Don’t worry, she’ll ease you into it and string you along, she’ll even let you win a little bit. After all this is the highlight of her entire weekend and she really wants to make it last. Then, just when you think you’re winning she’ll give you the last minute spanking of your life. Blindsided, you’ll be left in shambles as you never saw her strategic maneuvers coming. I mean how the hell did she get 36 points out of a 2 letter word and how the FUCK did Scrabble become so complicated? The bonus is that at the end of your game you’ll probably still get a homemade cookie as a parting gift, but nice try, Bub.
Over all there’s tons of gamers out there and many of them fall into the grey zones of these categories and some totally own them. Hell, even I have rocked most of these gaming extremes at some point in my life but what’s truly great about gaming is that it inspires creative thinking in an otherwise ordinary and unchallenged day. Let’s be honest, it’s way more fun to tease your gaming friends by labeling them Pond Scum and watching them squirm.